Rotator Cup Preview
Description: The year is 2011, but it could be any year, as the world of golf’s most prestigious prize, the Rotator Cup, is once again shrouded in a bitter controversy.
BETHESDA, MD- The traditional game of golf has been rocked on its foundations recently thanks to a new methodology that could make driving ranges, and perhaps the game itself, obsolete.
Muscle memory… a waste of time. Muscle confusion… a marketing gimmick. Welcome to 'muscle dementia'. At least that is what some observers are labeling this remarkable new approach to the sport. Although in truth it has more to do with the famous 'five inches between the ears' than it does with muscle.
Whatever you call it, it is an extremely controversial and complex theory. But the idea, it would seem, is to clear the mind so completely during the pre-shot routine that only one 'memory' remains, that of the forthcoming shot. The result is a complete absence of muscle memory, no oft practiced and repeated swing flaws, no negative swing thoughts, in fact, no knowledge of the game whatsoever beyond the task at hand. And that, as we all know, is the key to hitting golf shots.
In a rare interview, the world-renowned philosopher and founder of the new technique, Grandmaster Joseph Paul, offered this by way of explanation: “It is the ancient Zen art of no mind extended purposefully to the fourth and sometimes the fifth dimension, basically a self-induced time travel that will cross the boundaries of individual consciousness or even concurrent universes.”
The Grandmaster discovered the technique quite by accident. He was playing the celebrated 14th hole at Redgate Municipal during a twilight round ($29). From the tee he lofted a high hook that battled its way through a series of bizarre natural forces and landed, unluckily, near the lip in the fairway bunker. Pausing to survey the remaining real estate, the Grandmaster noted that it was almost precisely the same bunker shot faced by one Eldrick Woods in the 2002 PGA Championship at Hazeltine. And as it so happened, he simultaneously noted that the foursome ahead (an unruly group who had held him up all evening) was struggling against a varied set of circumstances to complete the hole which was located some 200 yards forward.
So the Grandmaster Joseph Paul sat quietly next to his pull cart and began to meditate on the shot. Rather suddenly and unexpectedly, he found himself in the year 2002... at Hazeltine… and within the very consciousness of the aforementioned PGA star. It is worth pointing out that the Grandmaster did not feel as though Woods was as focused as he should have been, something about an engagement that evening seemed to cloud his thoughts. At any rate, he literally lived the famous shot. Immediately thereafter he returned his consciousness to the Redgate Municipal, and in proof of his previous point, executed the shot correctly. He actually did Tiger one better by holing out for a double eagle 2. That is how 'muscle dementia' was born.
Later that evening the Grandmaster was drinking a Yuengling with his boy Luke (Luke had opted for chocolate milk in a sippee cup) and declared: '"Son, we will most surely take the Rotator Cup this year. Your old man is the greatest golfer in the world!'“ To which Luke enthusiastically responded: “You mean every time?!!” Alas, this is where the controversy begins. The practitioners of the new technique, known as the Brethren of the 448, have seen astounding but wildly inconsistent results.
Witness the Kennett Square Golf and Country Club, home of the golfer formerly known as 'Stretch'. He is now universally acknowledged by the symbol: $. That personage, the senior member of the 448, put muscle dementia to the test during a recent charity appearance at the club (all his appearances are considered to be charitable by the members). He arrived with his posse in tow, so from the beginning the round resembled a travelling rock concert rather than a gentlemen's game. The man with no name gave the throng plenty to cheer about, to a point. He reeled off six consecutive birdies and was up 5 in a match play event against the club professional Tom Carpus. On the 7th he faced a long slick left to right breaking birdie putt of about 30 feet. $, who is taken to mental wanderings anyway, studied the putt, paused to meditate…. And, so it is said, 'accidentally' lived the life of Wilt Chamberlain from 1965 to 1975. Whatever happened, a host of patrons can attest that he never struck the putt. The superstar simply smiled contentedly and conceded the match to Mr. Carpus right there on the 7th green. Minutes later he was snoring beneath an oak tree.
A less publicized but perhaps even more remarkable report comes from the Columbia Country Club. Daniel G Nalls, more widely known as the mysterious Count of Wales, employed his own brand of muscle dementia almost exclusively during a recent round there. Drinking a Bloody Mary at the grill room bar while his playing partners warmed up, he casually commented to Mike the bartender that warming up was 'yesterday's news' and that he would probably break the course record that day. For 17 holes it seemed very likely.
His scorecard to that point included 3 eagles, 9 birdies, 1 par, 2 bogeys and 2 doubles. The Count needed a birdie at the last to break the course record. He went through his normal pre shot routine. That is: he grabbed two 7oz Rolling Rocks from the large bucket that was balanced on the head of one of his two caddies. The other caddie presented his hippie mat, which was rolled and carried in the rings on his bag normally occupied by an umbrella. Sitting on the thatched mat Buddha style at the back of the tee box, he clenched both open bottles with his teeth, leaned his head back and chugged the refreshing ales. Then he began to meditate. But unlike the first 17 holes, this time when he arose, the enigmatic earl was replaced by a drunken trembling wreck of a man who almost blindly recorded a 13 on the final hole to finish the round.
Confidants related this bizarre explanation from Wales: “I was in the head of Rory McIlroy, in the year 2027, and was standing on the 18th tee at Augusta. My playing partner was a woman. Although she was very beautiful, it was a woman who looked a little old to be playing golf, like about 90. And she looked familiar to me. She was introduced as Joan Goggins and I could hear the patrons talking about her divorce. It was my mom!! She hit a laser beam about 50 yards past the traps, drew a wedge back to 2 feet and tapped in to win the Masters by five shots. I made an 8, or Rory made an 8, or whatever. As she bent over to pick up her ball, there was no joy in it. She was, well, sort of perturbed. She muttered "I told him it was a stupid game” and walked straight to the scorers tent. That was it. I just can't get over it.”
Make of it what you will, but Wales behavior served to fan the flames of accusations that had been increasing against the Brethren of the 448. There were fears from the stuffed shirts that they were not respectful enough to the game. John Nalls Esq., who had taken a day off from his representation of the NFLPA and shot a net 49 as the Count's playing partner that day, serves as the legal representative for 448 and Special Counsel to the Grandmaster. The brilliant barrister released this statement: “The Brethren of the 448 and the Grandmaster Joseph Paul have the utmost respect for the game of golf. We do not condone any behavior that would interfere with our enjoyment of it.”
James T Nalls, the patriarch of the 448's nemesis, The Geriatrics, was questioned about the new technique and the unusual reports surrounding his rivals (and supposedly his progeny). His immediate response was 'eh?'. The question was repeated several more times at increasingly higher decibel levels: “Oh… them… well I never pay a lot of attention to those little bastards. We are just going to keep practicing and get ready for the match.” And how will the Brethren of the 448 prepare? This straight from the Grandmaster himself: “Let the minions attend to their flailings. It amuses me. I think I will drink a beer and read a good book.”
So as the 2011 Rotator Cup draws near, the storylines are swirling like the breezes above the 12th at Augusta and surrounding the most anticipated event on the annual golf calendar with even more drama than we could have hoped for. Will 'muscle dementia' tip the competitive balance in favor of 448? Will it change the game of golf forever? Can the Dwan's produce even one competitor? Can JT save his marriage? Time, for those of us who are still bound by it, will tell.